Loving from a Distance

All I ever wanted was to be loved and feel loved. I guess I never told God how I wanted to be loved. Wait. Shouldn’t He already know that?

It’s not easy being a product of the system, even if it was for a short time. I was adopted when I was three years old. I have to tell you that getting adopted was the happiest day of my life. But, as I aged, I realized my adoptive mom never said I love you to me; accept in a birthday card. She never hugged me first. I always initiated the affection. When I did that, her hugs were cold like she didn’t want to hug. She can yell. She can beat the hell out of me. Some people call that tough love. I was never a fan of tough love. I wanted and needed that nurturing love too.

When I was a teenager, I asked my adoptive mom if she loved me. I guess she said it, but in her own way. “I put a roof over your head, I clothed you, I feed you. Isn’t that love?” “I thought love was deeper than that. I thought love was an emotion. I mean, even a dog living in a doghouse in someone’s backyard gets fed every now and then.” She paused for a minute, then said, “girl, I don’t have time for this!” “Why did you adopt me?” “Black people were urged to adopt Black children. Now, can we drop this?” She was getting agitated, so I ended the conversation. Well, I felt like crap after that conversation. We all live with the decisions that we make.

I was always depressed as a kid. My first experience with depression was when I was in foster care. I knew why I was in that foster home. I knew I needed loving parents. My bio parents didn’t want me. They didn’t love me. I always felt that in my heart. Even after meeting my bio parents at age 36, their actions only confirmed it. I mean, come on, where was the love for me?

After experiencing love from a distance, I became the very thing I didn’t want to become. Distant from people. I mean, how is it that we’re in the same room, a few feet apart, and be emotionally distant from each other? How do I feel alone in a crowded room with people that should love me? My adoptive mom asked me some years ago, “why are you so antisocial? Why don’t you mingle with people your own age?” Really? This is the woman who said no when I asked her permission to join the marching band and the girls basketball team in high school. This is the woman who said no everytime I asked for permission to go to friends’ birthday parties. This is the woman who made me sit with her in the presence of adults, while my cousins were in their rooms or outside playing. Dating in high school was out of the question. Why was I so antisocial? “No reason, Mama. That’s just what I do.” I walked away angry.

Until this day, I’m distant with people. I have to gather loads of courage just to say hello. I can’t just walk up to random people and strike up a conversation with them. I wish that I could do that. I wouldn’t even know what to say. I guess that’s why I’ve been single the majority of my life. I’ve struggled with low self esteem my entire life. I don’t feel worthy with people. I feel that I’m not good enough to be with people. Yes, I’m always comparing myself to people. So, I give into my loneliness rather than associate with people.

Choosing to be alone is not what I want. I want to be close, but I push people away before they push me away and we haven’t even said hello. They don’t even know I exist. LOL It’s so funny until it’s not. I’m complicated like that. But, to clear things up…

My adoptive mom was and is actually a good mom. She was always there for me when I needed her. Sometimes, she’s all I have. I guess that counts as love. As I stated on my podcast, The Gigi Nero Show, my adoptive mom reminds me of Vera on Harlem Nights. Vera always growled at Quick but she said to herself that she loved him.

I’ve learned that people love in different ways. You have to look at their actions. They may not always be affectionate like we want, but the love is there. That’s something I had to accept. But,geesh, a passionate hug and an, “I love you”, every once and awhile would help. LOL I want to feel the love; not just know a person loves me. I guess I’m asking for too much. Love is such an easy emotion, but we make love complicated. I hate that I have to accept love from a distant, but I guess distant love is better than no love at all.

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Gigi Nero

Gigi Nero

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Born in NY. Grew up in SC. Bachelors of Arts in music. Love writing songs. Love writing stories.